Download or read book Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 written by Rosemarie Jarski and published by Random House. This book was released on 2010-09-02 with total page 578 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The bestselling, blockbusting, bumper book of humorous quotations rides back into town with 6,000 more hilariously funny quotes. From times past to the modern day, classic funnies to contemporary wit, The Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 delivers an unbeatable selection of fantastic and hilarious quotes on every subject under the sun. Featuring topics as diverse as celebrity to religion, and including a cast of quotees ranging from Oscar Wilde to Homer Simpson, there's something here for everyone with a sense of humour. 'I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.' - Samuel Johnson 'Glastonbury was very wet and muddy. There was trench foot, dysentery, peaches ... all the Geldof daughters.' - Sean Lock 'Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.' - Richard Nixon 'I've had more women than most people have noses.' - Steve Martin 'I have the simplest tastes. I'm always satisfied with the best.' - Oscar Wilde 'Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.' - Homer Simpson 'All I know is I'm not a Marxist.' - Karl Marx 'I'm the pink sheep of the family.' - Alexander McQueen

Download or read book Johnny Gruesome written by Gregory Lamberson and published by Medallion Media Group. This book was released on 2008-10-01 with total page 356 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Johnny Grissom—nicknamed "Johnny Gruesome" by his high school classmates—is a heavy metal hellion who loves to party, watch horror movies, and get into fights. One winter night, Johnny's car, The Death Mobile, is discovered submerged beneath the icy surface of Willow Creek, with Johnny's waterlogged corpse inside. The townspeople believe that his death was accidental. But soon the murders begin—horrible acts of violent vengeance that hint at a deepening mystery and terror yet to come. A headless body is discovered at the high school, a priest is forced to confront his own misdeeds, and a mortician encounters the impossible. The sound of a car engine and maniacal laughter fill the night, and one by one, Johnny's enemies meet a grisly demise. The students at Red Hill High School begin to fear for their lives—especially Johnny's closest friends, who all harbor a dark secret.

Download or read book Night written by Erik Clarke and published by Totally Entwined Group (USA+CAD). This book was released on 2014-02-28 with total page 296 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Given the powers of an Incubus, could you resist the urge to take the one man you've always secretly wanted? Sex makes the world go round, right? Or so it seems to Cole Turner, a Seer who can See everyone's future except his own, when a gift from his Dreamwalking best friend Luke turns his world upside down. Overnight, Cole gains all the allure of an Incubus, drawing suitors to him like moths to a flame. But after a few days of revelling in the fun, reality takes a turn—the mysterious drug he took, known only as "Night", had to come from someone, and that someone is pissed, on a homicidal scale. Each sexual encounter makes Cole's attraction grow stronger, making it ever-more difficult to just walk outside. And Luke, the Seer's go-to in times of need, now wants him like everyone else, a point made even worse by the secret desires Cole has for the friend he had always assumed was straight. Swamped in sex, powerless to See if the future holds any hope for salvation, and at constant risk of losing both his best friend and his life, Cole is about to find out if he's strong enough to beat the Night racing through his system—and if his relationship with Luke is strong enough to survive it as well.

Download or read book Snap Crackle Fuck You written by Simon Oré Molina and published by . This book was released on 2021-07 with total page 174 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Welcome to Cerealand! A place where adults can relive their childhood desire while indulging in their most perverted fantasies! Our rides are x-rated, our cereal is alcoholic and our mascots aren't just people in suits - they are genetically mutated and reshaped into your favorite cereal mascots! Isn't that amazing!? At Cerealand, we are committed to making your experience as nostalgically hedonistic as possible! Something is rotten in Cereal Land and it's not just the rancid milk fountains. Things have been going downhill at the Amusement Park ever since the three daughters of Captain Crunch took over. Rides have been breaking down, attendance is low, and strange new mascots are showing up in the park. None of this would bother Lucky the Leprechaun so much, except for the fact that he thinks something might have happened to his ex-girlfriend who's gone missing. Something to do with all the strange businessmen that have been wandering the park lately. Something to do with the Security Soggies showing up in strange places. Teaming up with Sugar Bear, a leather daddy who helped design the park with Captain Crunch, Lucky hits the back alleys of Cerealand, forcing himself to confront his own demons and past as he ventures deeper into the milky mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Toucan Sam he once loved. Snap! Crackle! Fuck You! is part of a complete breakfast.

Download or read book 3 x Carlin written by George Carlin and published by Hachette Books. This book was released on 2015-09-01 with total page 920 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A perfectly gift-able, perfectly cynical, slipcased omnibus of George Carlin's trademark irreverence--including bonus never-before-published material. For four decades, George Carlin has been one of America's favorite comics, known as much for his willingness to take on taboo subjects as for his absurdist wordplay. As an author, he has proved equally popular: With combined sales of more than two million copies, Carlin's three books of razor-sharp and hilarious observations have topped bestseller lists nationwide. Now, just in time for the holidays, Hyperion proudly collects all three volumes -- When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, Napalm and Silly Putty, and Brain Droppings -- into one hilarious omnibus, a slipcased edition that also includes new material.

Download or read book No Hero written by Jonathan Wood and published by Titan Books (US, CA). This book was released on 2014-03-11 with total page 375 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Barnes and Noble listed No Hero as one of the 20 best paranormal fantasy novels of the last decade - now available in mass market paperback! "What would Kurt Russell do?" Oxford police detective Arthur Wallace asks himself that question a lot. Because Arthur is no hero. He's a good cop, but prefers that action and heroics remain on the screen, safely performed by professionals. But then, secretive government agency MI12 comes calling, hoping to recruit Arthur in their struggle against the tentacled horrors from another dimension known as the Progeny. But Arthur is NO HERO! Can an everyman stand against sanity-ripping cosmic horrors?

Download or read book Prize Catch written by Alan Carter and published by Fremantle Press. This book was released on 2024-10-01 with total page 378 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: When Roz Chen's wife, Niamh, is killed in a hit-and-run on a lonely Tasmanian road, the grieving widow begins to wonder if Niamh's death was an accident after all. Meanwhile, SAS veteran Sam Willard is hoping for a fresh start with a job at a salmon farm. But as allegations of old war crimes surface and Sam is 'promoted' as a special operative against anti-salmon farm activists, he and Roz form an unlikely alliance. Forced to retreat into the unforgiving Tasmanian wilderness, Roz and Sam find themselves scrambling for the truth with murderous thugs on their trail.

Download or read book The Fix 2 written by K'wan and published by Urban Books. This book was released on 2015-01-01 with total page 234 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Two lives . . . two paths . . . one tragic outcome. The Fix 2 is in and the game is afoot! The past few months have been a living hell for Persia. Seemingly overnight, she has fallen from grace and found herself scraping rock bottom, all in the name of two lovers—Chucky and cocaine. One was supposed to love her and the other take away the pain, but they've both fallen short on their promises. The last time she saw either one of them was the night she almost lost her life. It has taken a bout of physical therapy and a stint in a rehabilitation center for Persia to be able to start pulling together the pieces of the life she almost ruined. She’s living at home with her mother and stepfather and is refocused on school. For the first time in what seems like forever, she is finally able to enjoy life as an average teenage girl trying to graduate from high school. That’s when they get the phone call that sends everything to the left. As Persia struggles with her demons, her childhood friend Li’l Monk is embracing his. Under the tutelage of the vicious crime lord Ramses, Li’l Monk is quickly making his way through the ranks of the Pharaoh’s army and creating a name for himself on the streets as a ruthless killer. Just as his father, Big Monk, had always predicted, he is walking a mile in his daddy’s bloody shoes. As cold as Li’l Monk’s heart is, however, he still has a soft spot for his old friends. When a childhood pal comes to him for a favor, Li’l Monk finds himself with blood on his hands and dirt on his name. When the double cross knocks him out of favor with Ramses, Li’l Monk is left with two options: kill or die. K’wan delivers another instant street classic that is sure to keep him at the top of the charts.

Download or read book Rubbernorc or My best friend was a Nazi war experiment written by Paul Eldridge and published by Lulu.com. This book was released on with total page 92 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt:

Download or read book A Carlin Home Companion written by Kelly Carlin and published by Macmillan + ORM. This book was released on 2015-09-15 with total page 381 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: From the daughter of the iconoclastic comedic performer, Kelly Carlin’s memoir A Carlin Home Companion: Growing Up with George “is written in the DNA of a Carlin, honest, biting, savage, funny, sad, dark, and profound...Hold on; like George Carlin, this book gives you a hell of a ride” (New York Times bestselling author and multi-award-winning comedian Lewis Black). Truly the voice of a generation, George Carlin gave the world some of the most hysterical and iconic comedy routines of the last fifty years. From the “Seven Dirty Words” and “A Place for My Stuff”, to “Religion is Bullshit” and “The American Dream”, he perfected the art of making audiences double over with laughter while simultaneously making people wake up to the realities (and insanities) of life in the twentieth century. Few people glimpsed the inner life of this beloved comedian, but his only child, Kelly, was there to see it all. Born at the very beginning of his decades-long career in comedy, she slid around the “old Dodge Dart,” as he and wife Brenda drove around the country to “hell gigs.” She witnessed his transformation in the ’70s, as he fought back against—and talked back to—the establishment; she even talked him down from a really bad acid trip a time or two (“Kelly, the sun has exploded and we have eight, no-seven and a half minutes to live!”). Kelly not only watched her father constantly reinvent himself and his comedy, but also had a front row seat to the roller coaster turmoil of her family’s inner life—alcoholism, cocaine addiction, life-threatening health scares, and a crushing debt to the IRS. But having been the only “adult” in her family prepared her little for the task of her own adulthood. All the while, Kelly sought to define her own voice as she separated from the shadow of her father’s genius. With rich humor and deep insight, Kelly Carlin pulls back the curtain on what it was like to grow up as the daughter of one of the most recognizable comedians of our time, and become a woman in her own right. This vivid, hilarious, heartbreaking story is at once singular and universal—it is a contemplation of what it takes to move beyond the legacy of childhood, and forge a life of your own.

Download or read book Comedy Writing Secrets written by Mark Shatz and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2016-03-18 with total page 242 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The Must-Have Guide to Humor Writing Bring on the funny! With Comedy Writing Secrets 3rd Edition, you can discover the secrets of humor writing that will keep your readers rolling in their seats. Learn the basics of joke construction, as well as in-depth comedy-writing techniques that you can apply to a variety of print and online markets. If your aim is to make 'em laugh--and make a career in comedy writing--then look no further. In this completely revised and refreshed edition, you'll discover: • Hundreds of updated one-liners, anecdotes, and bits from top comedians like Louis C.K., Conan O’Brien, Tina Fey, Amy Schumer, Rodney Dangerfield, Jon Stewart, Steve Martin, Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Fallon, George Carlin, Zach Galifianakis, Stephen Colbert, Erma Bombeck, and more. • Exclusive tips for injecting humor into articles, speeches, advertisements, greeting cards, and more. • New instruction on writing for online markets and social media. • Advice on brainstorming and editing to beat writer's block and generate new material. • Exercises and expanded instructions for exaggeration, reverses, word play and more to practice and refine your writing skills. For more than twenty years, Comedy Writing Secrets has helped humor writers of all skill levels write and sell their work. With Comedy Writing Secrets 3rd Edition, you'll be laugh-out-loud funny and leave readers wanting more.

Download or read book Fifty and Other F Words written by Margot Potter and published by Union Square + ORM. This book was released on 2018-05-01 with total page 185 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Frazzled and flummoxed? Or fearless and free? One woman’s witty, inspiring observations on living life to the fullest after fifty. If you’re a woman in midlife, you may feel invisible, or shackled by rules that say what you can and can’t do now that you’ve reached “a certain age.” But Margot Potter is here to say—in the most hilarious way—that no matter how old you are, you can still be a kick-ass warrior woman! With a cool attitude and loads of humor, Margot tells it like it is, smashing stereotypes in her witty essays, poems, listicles, and observations about aging in our youth-obsessed society. With neither bitterness nor sugar-coating, Fifty and Other F-Words will hit home with women who want to make the most of every moment.

Download or read book Comedy Writing Secrets written by Mel Helitzer and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2005-09-15 with total page 282 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The Only Handbook for Humor Writers! "What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."Steve Martin Become the funniest person in the room! With Comedy Writing Secrets, 2nd edition, you can master the fundamentals of humor writing and turn your comedic talent into a well-paying pursuit. For more than a decade, Comedy Writing Secrets has been giving aspiring comedians a leg up on the competition. In this expanded new edition, Mel Helitzer, named the "funniest professor in the country" by Rolling Stone magazine, and funnyman Mark Shatz pack in even more insight and instruction, including: • Humor writing exercises to punch up your jokes • Extra information on writing for sitcoms and stand-up • Comedic brainstorming techniques using associations and listings • Exclusive tips for writing humor for specific markets like editorials, columns, speeches, advertising, greeting cards, t-shirts, and more Tap into your comedic genius with Comedy Writing Secrets, 2nd edition, and you'll always leave 'em laughing!

Download or read book Our Time After a While written by Lloyd Billingsley and published by iUniverse. This book was released on 2010-02-04 with total page 150 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: All baby boomers are children of their time. In Our Time After a While, writer Lloyd Billingsley backpacks into that time, the tail end of the tail-fi n era, in its very birthplace. In the motor cities of Detroit and Windsor, the streets, schools and parks jostled with a vast cast of characters. The author charts their adventures, and the sound track no border could stop, and which would spread around the world. This was long ago, but like Bob Seger the author is still humming a song from 1962, and still looking back in wonder. In Our Time After a While, his fellow baby boomers and all others can join him. Memories are made of this.

Download or read book Blow my Fuse written by Autumn Jones Lake and published by Ahead of the Pack, LLC. This book was released on 2020-04-24 with total page 402 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: She’s the steady pulse in my veins. Mallory burst into my life like glittering gold in a concrete jungle. We’ve fought hard and survived the biggest obstacles in our relationship. At least that’s what I thought. The band should be headed for platinum status. Instead, new threats emerge from the most unlikely places. It’s impossible to tell who’s a friend and who’s about to stick a knife in my back. Suddenly, taking the easy road seems a lot more alluring. He’s my vigilant protector. Rock & roll might have been Chaser’s first love, but I never doubt his devotion to me. I’m always his priority. But protecting me at all costs drives him to reckless acts, so now it’s my turn to keep him safe. I’m willing to do whatever it takes, whether that means seeking help from Chaser’s father and the Devil Demons MC or visiting my father in prison. Hollywood won’t tear us apart. Together we’ll struggle to hold on to what matters most—each other. I’ll fight for my man with everything I am, even if I have to drag him through hell to the other side. Blow My Fuse is the second book in the Hollywood Demons series by USA Today bestselling author Autumn Jones Lake. It is meant to be read after Kickstart my Heart. TOPICS: rock stars, rockstars, romance, 1980s, heavy metal music, addiction, recovery, opposites attract romance, glamour, seedy hollywood, actress, hollywood tales, action, outlaw motorcycle clubs, motorcycle club romance, music scene, hard rock, television stars, nostalgia

Download or read book The Other Brother written by Brandon Massey and published by Dafina Books. This book was released on 2007-11 with total page 432 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Good fortune has smiled upon Gabriel Reid since the day he was born. Blessed with a loving family, educated in the finest schools, and set to inhereit his father's successful construction business. Isaiah Battle has been raised on the mean streets of Chicago. He weilds a dark power that few have witnessed and even fewer have managed to survive and tell the tale. As Gabriel's half-brother he has equal claim to the family fortunes and will do whatever it takes to get what he thinks is rightfully his.

Download or read book Of Flame and Light written by Cecy Robson and published by Cecy Robson, LLC. This book was released on 2016-10-18 with total page 376 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: "[This series is] on my auto-buy list." - USA Today Taran Wird holds the unique ability to conjure fire and lightning. She is mated to Gemini, Second in Command to the Squaw Valley Pack of the Lake Tahoe Region, and the sole werewolf to possess the ability to split into two wolves. And although they are mates, Taran's insecurities have driven them apart. Devastated by an injury that left her with a zombie-like limb, Taran struggles to regain command over her magic. But when her arm and her power turn against her, lashing out on those she most loves, she knows she can no longer carry this burden alone. Not that she likes the alternative. The only way to regain control of her magic is to align and learn from the local coven of witches, the very ones who sought to banish her when she and her three unique sisters first moved to the mystical region. But although Taran is trying, the teachings don't come easy, and the tasks leave her weak and emotionally shattered. Yet Taran must learn and learn fast. Time is running out. The fire she once mastered so easily has become her greatest adversary and is now slowly burning her alive . . .