Download or read book The Funniest Chelsea Quotes Ever written by Gordon Law and published by . This book was released on 2016-11-01 with total page 130 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: From Jose Mourinho to Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Chelsea managers and players have kept us entertained with some truly hilarious sound bites over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 250 side-splitting quotes and quips from the men of Stamford Bridge.Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season. "Mark Hughes is playing better and better, even if he's starting to look like a pigeon."Gianluca Vialli "Chelsea were a sausage, eggs and chips club before the foreign players arrived."Dennis Wise. "Wisey said I think too much. But I have to do all his thinking for him."Gianfranco Zola "With hindsight, it's easy to look at it with hindsight."Glenn Hoddle

Download or read book Are You There Vodka It s Me Chelsea written by Chelsea Handler and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2009-12-29 with total page 274 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In a word: hilarious. . . . These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt--Laura Zigman, author of "Animal Husbandry."

Download or read book My Horizontal Life written by Chelsea Handler and published by Grand Central Publishing. This book was released on 2013-04-30 with total page 141 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In this raucous collection of true-life stories, Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Download or read book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang written by Chelsea Handler and published by Grand Central Publishing. This book was released on 2010-04-01 with total page 256 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In these personal essays, the hilarious comedian and Chelsea Lately host reflects on family, love life, and the absurdities of adulthood with "cheeky candor" and signature wit (Philadelphia Inquirer). Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood. Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is good good good good! Chelsea Handler on . . . Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy." Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up." Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life." Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."

Download or read book Chelsea Girls written by Eileen Myles and published by HarperCollins. This book was released on 2015-09-29 with total page 161 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Available once again for a new generation of readers, the groundbreaking and candid coming-of-age novel in-real-time from one of America's most celebrated poets that is considered a cult classic. In this breathtakingly inventive autobiographical novel, Eileen Myles transforms life into a work of art. Told in her audacious voice, made vivid and immediate in her lyrical language, Chelsea Girls cobbles together memories of Myles’ 1960s Catholic upbringing with an alcoholic father, her volatile adolescence, her unabashed “lesbianity,” and her riotous pursuit of survival as a poet in 1970s New York. Suffused with alcohol, drugs, and sex; evocative in its depictions of the hardscrabble realities of a young artist’s life; and poignant with stories of love, humor, and discovery, Chelsea Girls is a funny, cool, and intimate account of a writer’s education, and a modern chronicle of how a young female writer shrugged off the chains of a rigid cultural identity meant to define her.

Download or read book A World Without You written by Beth Revis and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2016-07-19 with total page 386 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: What would you do to bring back someone you love? After the unexpected loss of his girlfriend, a boy suffering from delusions believes he can travel through time to save her in this gripping new novel from New York Times bestselling author Beth Revis. "A story that’s both heartbreaking and hopeful." —Publishers Weekly, starred review “Revis’s account of grief, loss, first love, and anguish, presented through a lens of mental illness, is a must-read.” —VOYA, starred review “A heartrending, beautifully complex look at mental illness, life, and loss. I tore through the pages, and, days later, this story still has a hold on me.” —Alexandra Bracken, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Darkest Minds series and Passenger Seventeen-year-old Bo has always had delusions that he can travel through time. When he was ten, Bo claimed to have witnessed the Titanic hit an iceberg, and at fifteen, he found himself on a Civil War battlefield, horrified by the bodies surrounding him. So when his concerned parents send him to a school for troubled youth, Bo assumes he knows the truth: that he’s actually attending Berkshire Academy, a school for kids who, like Bo, have "superpowers." At Berkshire, Bo falls in love with Sofia, a quiet girl with a tragic past and the superpower of invisibility. Sofia helps Bo open up in a way he never has before. In turn, Bo provides comfort to Sofia, who lost her mother and two sisters at a very young age. But even the strength of their love isn’t enough to help Sofia escape her deep depression. After she commits suicide, Bo is convinced that she's not actually dead. He believes that she's stuck somewhere in time — that he somehow left her in the past, and now it's his job to save her. Not since Ned Vizzini’s It’s Kind of a Funny Story has there been such a heartrending depiction of mental illness. In her first contemporary novel, Beth Revis guides readers through the mind of a young man struggling to process his grief as he fights his way through his delusions. As Bo becomes more and more determined to save Sofia, he has to decide whether to face his demons head-on, or succumb to a psychosis that will let him be with the girl he loves.

Download or read book Fever Pitch written by Nick Hornby and published by Penguin UK. This book was released on 2005-05-05 with total page 229 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: *WINNER OF THE WILLIAM HILL SPORTS BOOK OF THE YEAR* Fever Pitch is Nick Hornby's million-copy-selling, award-winnning football classic 'A spanking 7-0 away win of a football book. . . inventive, honest, funny, heroic, charming' Independent For many people watching football is mere entertainment, to some it's more like a ritual; but to others, its highs and lows provide a narrative to life itself. But, for Nick Hornby, his devotion to the game has provided one of few constants in a life where the meaningful things - like growing up, leaving home and forming relationships, both parental and romantic - have rarely been as simple or as uncomplicated as his love for Arsenal. Brimming with wit and honesty, Fever Pitch, catches perfectly what it really means to be a football fan - and in doing so, what it means to be a man. 'Hornby has put his finger on truths that have been unspoken for generations' Irish Times 'Funny, wise and true' Roddy Doyle

Download or read book Caca Dolce written by Chelsea Martin and published by Catapult. This book was released on 2017-08-15 with total page 119 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: An “enchanting” memoir of an artist in search of herself: “A sure hit for fans of Sara Benincasa’s Agorafabulous! and Lena Dunham’s Not That Kind of Girl” (Booklist, starred review).Caca Dolce is the “funny, candid, and bracingly self-aware” story of Chelsea Martin’s coming of age as an artist (The Rumpus). We’re with the author of cult novels Mickey and Even Though I Don’t Miss You as an eleven-year-old atheist, trying to will an alien visitation to her neighborhood; fighting with her stepfather and grappling with a Tourette’s diagnosis as she becomes a teenager; falling under the sway of frenemies and crushes in high school; going into debt to afford what might be a meaningless education at an expensive art college; navigating the messy process of falling in love with a close friend; and struggling for independence from her emotionally manipulative father and from the family and friends in the dead-end California town that has defined her upbringing. A book about relationships, class, art, sex, money, family, and growing up weird and poor in the late 1990s and early 2000s, Casa Dolce is “a wild ride of a memoir, and a true glimpse into the mind of an artist as she’s figuring out what life is all about” (Kristin Iversen, Nylon).

Download or read book As You Wish written by Chelsea Sedoti and published by Sourcebooks, Inc.. This book was released on 2018-01-02 with total page 432 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: If you could make one wish that was guaranteed to come true—what would you wish for? Rules for Wishing: Never let an outsider find out about wishing. (Zip your lips and throw away the key.) Wishes that would impact the world are off limits (i.e. no bringing back the dinosaurs). Do no harm. (Murder = no bueno.) No time travel. (What's done is done, pal.) No bringing back the dead. (Come on. You've seen what happens in THE WALKING DEAD.) NEVER BREAK THE RULES. (Seriously. We mean it. See Rule #7.) There are always consequences. Madison is a small town in the Mojave desert on the road between nothing and nowhere. It's an unremarkable speck on the map, which is perfect for protecting the town's secret. Because in Madison, everyone can make one wish on their eighteenth birthday-and that wish always comes true. Most of Eldon's classmates have had their wishes picked out for months, even years. Not Eldon. He's seen how wishing has hurt the people around him. His parents' marriage is strained, his sister is a virtual ghost in their house, his ex-girlfriend is dating his ex-friend...where does he even begin? One thing is for sure: Eldon has only twenty-five days to figure it out—and the rest of his life to live with the consequences.

Download or read book The Rise of Renegade X written by Chelsea M. Campbell and published by . This book was released on 2010 with total page 353 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Expecting to become a supervillain on his 16th birthday, Damien Locke, son of one of Golden City's most notorious supervillains, is horrified to discover that he may instead be destined to become a superhero.

Download or read book Inexplicably Me written by Chelsea Austin Montgomery-Duban Wächter and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2022-05-03 with total page 256 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A hilariously moving and inspirational memoir of a girl with two gay dads, navigating her way through life with joy, love, gratitude, and an excellent sense of humor. As the daughter of two gay fathers in the 90s, Chelsea has always had a different outlook than some people. And yet, her message is one of universal importance – love is the most important force in the world. Through her moving and at times hilarious memoir, Chelsea reflects on how we are all much more similar than we are different. Living “two doors down from normal,” Chelsea quickly learned that society loves to put people in boxes, but these boxes do not always reflect how we feel about ourselves. Through Inexplicably Me, Chelsea works to bring people together in love and acceptance and to illustrate that, while her story may seem worlds away from others, we all strive for happiness and love. From sharing the stage with President Obama when she was only eighteen years old, to her father spending her senior year of college in federal prison camp, to her biological mother dying of cancer when she was only 56, Chelsea explores her painful and joyful experiences with the hope that readers will find inspiration to face their own challenges and embrace their own joys. Inexplicably Me is a bridge for those who fear what they don’t understand, as well as a possibility for those who have lacked love in their lives to see how they can start to access their self-worth, begin achieving their dreams, and start loving themselves again. Most of all, it is a reminder that everyone will have an opinion about who you are supposed to be, but you, and only you, get to decide exactly who it is you want to be.

Download or read book Even Though I Don t Miss You written by Chelsea Martin and published by . This book was released on 2013 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Poetry. Fiction. EVEN THOUGH I DON'T MISS YOU captures the essence of being part of a species that is prone to spending nights alone looking up photos of Heath Ledger's daughter and contemplating making pasta. Its seemingly arbitrary obsession with human evolution and many allusions to self-contempt make this book not only timeless and deeply moving, but one of those rare books to which you will develop a sickening dependence.

Download or read book Little Nuggets of Wisdom written by Chuy Bravo and published by Grand Central Publishing. This book was released on 2010-04-01 with total page 199 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In this very first book from the man Chelsea Handler calls her "little nugget" and "assistant," Chuy Bravo reveals his hilarious, one-of-a-kind approach to life. Now anyone can live and love the Chuy Bravo way, thanks to this book and its little nuggets of advice covering family, finances, friendship, fashion, travel, food, fitness, and more. The book also contains the first-ever comprehensive Chuy Bravo autobio documenting his extraordinary life.

Download or read book Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me written by Friends Chelsea's Family, and Other Victims and published by Borderline Amazing/A Chelsea Handler Book. This book was released on 2011-05-10 with total page 304 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: "My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."--Chelsea Handler, from Chapter 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang It's no lie: Chelsea Handler loves to smoke out "dumbassness," the condition people suffer from that allows them to fall prey to her brand of complete and utter nonsense. Friends, family, co-workers--they've all been tricked by Chelsea into believing stories of total foolishness and into behaving like total fools. Luckily, they've lived to tell the tales and, for the very first time, write about them.

Download or read book Resilience written by Eric Greitens and published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. This book was released on 2015 with total page 319 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A masterpiece of warrior wisdom: how to be resilient, how to overcome obstacles not by "positive thinking" or self-esteem, but by positive action. The bestselling author, Navy SEAL, and humanitarian Eric Greitens offers a self-help book unlike any other.

Download or read book Daily Rituals written by Mason Currey and published by Knopf. This book was released on 2013-04-23 with total page 305 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: More than 150 inspired—and inspiring—novelists, poets, playwrights, painters, philosophers, scientists, and mathematicians on how they subtly maneuver the many (self-inflicted) obstacles and (self-imposed) daily rituals to get done the work they love to do. Franz Kafka, frustrated with his living quarters and day job, wrote in a letter to Felice Bauer in 1912, “time is short, my strength is limited, the office is a horror, the apartment is noisy, and if a pleasant, straightforward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle maneuvers.” Kafka is one of 161 minds who describe their daily rituals to get their work done, whether by waking early or staying up late; whether by self-medicating with doughnuts or bathing, drinking vast quantities of coffee, or taking long daily walks. Thomas Wolfe wrote standing up in the kitchen, the top of the refrigerator as his desk, dreamily fondling his “male configurations”.... Jean-Paul Sartre chewed on Corydrane tablets (a mix of amphetamine and aspirin), ingesting ten times the recommended dose each day ... Descartes liked to linger in bed, his mind wandering in sleep through woods, gardens, and enchanted palaces where he experienced “every pleasure imaginable.” Here are: Anthony Trollope, who demanded of himself that each morning he write three thousand words (250 words every fifteen minutes for three hours) before going off to his job at the postal service, which he kept for thirty-three years during the writing of more than two dozen books ... Karl Marx ... Woody Allen ... Agatha Christie ... George Balanchine, who did most of his work while ironing ... Leo Tolstoy ... Charles Dickens ... Pablo Picasso ... George Gershwin, who, said his brother Ira, worked for twelve hours a day from late morning to midnight, composing at the piano in pajamas, bathrobe, and slippers.... Here also are the daily rituals of Charles Darwin, Andy Warhol, John Updike, Twyla Tharp, Benjamin Franklin, William Faulkner, Jane Austen, Anne Rice, and Igor Stravinsky (he was never able to compose unless he was sure no one could hear him and, when blocked, stood on his head to “clear the brain”).

Download or read book What Shamu Taught Me About Life Love and Marriage written by Amy Sutherland and published by Random House. This book was released on 2008-02-12 with total page 194 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: While observing exotic animal trainers for her acclaimed book Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched, journalist Amy Sutherland had an epiphany: What if she used these training techniques with the human animals in her own life–namely her dear husband, Scott? In this lively and perceptive book, Sutherland tells how she took the trainers’ lessons home. The next time her forgetful husband stomped through the house in search of his mislaid car keys, she asked herself, “What would a dolphin trainer do?” The answer was: nothing. Trainers reward the behavior they want and, just as important, ignore the behavior they don’t. Rather than appease her mate’s rising temper by joining in the search, or fuel his temper by nagging him to keep better track of his things in the first place, Sutherland kept her mouth shut and her eyes on the dishes she was washing. In short order, Scott found his keys and regained his cool. “I felt like I should throw him a mackerel,” she writes. In time, as she put more training principles into action, she noticed that she became more optimistic and less judgmental, and their twelve-year marriage was better than ever. What started as a goofy experiment had such good results that Sutherland began using the training techniques with all the people in her life, including her mother, her friends, her students, even the clerk at the post office. In the end, the biggest lesson she learned is that the only animal you can truly change is yourself. Full of fun facts, fascinating insights, hilarious anecdotes, and practical tips, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage describes Sutherland’s Alice-in-Wonderland experience of stumbling into a world where cheetahs walk nicely on leashes and elephants paint with watercolors, and of leaving a new, improved Homo sapiens.