Download or read book The Funniest Chelsea Quotes Ever written by Gordon Law and published by . This book was released on 2016-11-01 with total page 130 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: From Jose Mourinho to Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Chelsea managers and players have kept us entertained with some truly hilarious sound bites over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 250 side-splitting quotes and quips from the men of Stamford Bridge.Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season. "Mark Hughes is playing better and better, even if he's starting to look like a pigeon."Gianluca Vialli "Chelsea were a sausage, eggs and chips club before the foreign players arrived."Dennis Wise. "Wisey said I think too much. But I have to do all his thinking for him."Gianfranco Zola "With hindsight, it's easy to look at it with hindsight."Glenn Hoddle

Download or read book Are You There Vodka It s Me Chelsea written by Chelsea Handler and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2009-12-29 with total page 274 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In a word: hilarious. . . . These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt--Laura Zigman, author of "Animal Husbandry."

Download or read book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang written by Chelsea Handler and published by Grand Central Publishing. This book was released on 2010-04-01 with total page 139 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In these personal essays, the hilarious comedian and Chelsea Lately host reflects on family, love life, and the absurdities of adulthood with "cheeky candor" and signature wit (Philadelphia Inquirer). Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood. Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is good good good good! Chelsea Handler on . . . Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy." Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up." Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life." Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."

Download or read book My Horizontal Life written by Chelsea Handler and published by Grand Central Publishing. This book was released on 2013-04-30 with total page 141 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In this raucous collection of true-life stories, Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Download or read book Chelsea Girls written by Eileen Myles and published by HarperCollins. This book was released on 2015-09-29 with total page 161 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Available once again for a new generation of readers, the groundbreaking and candid coming-of-age novel in-real-time from one of America's most celebrated poets that is considered a cult classic. In this breathtakingly inventive autobiographical novel, Eileen Myles transforms life into a work of art. Told in her audacious voice, made vivid and immediate in her lyrical language, Chelsea Girls cobbles together memories of Myles’ 1960s Catholic upbringing with an alcoholic father, her volatile adolescence, her unabashed “lesbianity,” and her riotous pursuit of survival as a poet in 1970s New York. Suffused with alcohol, drugs, and sex; evocative in its depictions of the hardscrabble realities of a young artist’s life; and poignant with stories of love, humor, and discovery, Chelsea Girls is a funny, cool, and intimate account of a writer’s education, and a modern chronicle of how a young female writer shrugged off the chains of a rigid cultural identity meant to define her.

Download or read book Fever Pitch written by Nick Hornby and published by Penguin UK. This book was released on 2005-05-05 with total page 229 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: *WINNER OF THE WILLIAM HILL SPORTS BOOK OF THE YEAR* Fever Pitch is Nick Hornby's million-copy-selling, award-winnning football classic 'A spanking 7-0 away win of a football book. . . inventive, honest, funny, heroic, charming' Independent For many people watching football is mere entertainment, to some it's more like a ritual; but to others, its highs and lows provide a narrative to life itself. But, for Nick Hornby, his devotion to the game has provided one of few constants in a life where the meaningful things - like growing up, leaving home and forming relationships, both parental and romantic - have rarely been as simple or as uncomplicated as his love for Arsenal. Brimming with wit and honesty, Fever Pitch, catches perfectly what it really means to be a football fan - and in doing so, what it means to be a man. 'Hornby has put his finger on truths that have been unspoken for generations' Irish Times 'Funny, wise and true' Roddy Doyle

Download or read book The Rise of Renegade X written by Chelsea M. Campbell and published by . This book was released on 2010 with total page 353 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Expecting to become a supervillain on his 16th birthday, Damien Locke, son of one of Golden City's most notorious supervillains, is horrified to discover that he may instead be destined to become a superhero.

Download or read book Life Will Be the Death of Me written by Chelsea Handler and published by Dial Press. This book was released on 2019-04-09 with total page 272 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The funny, sad, super-honest, all-true story of Chelsea Handler’s year of self-discovery—featuring a nerdily brilliant psychiatrist, a shaman, four Chow Chows, some well-placed security cameras, various family members (living and departed), friends, assistants, and a lot of edibles A SKIMM READS PICK • “This will be one of your favorite books of all time.”—Amy Schumer In a haze of vape smoke on a rare windy night in L.A. in the fall of 2016, Chelsea Handler daydreams about what life will be like with a woman in the White House. And then Donald Trump happens. In a torpor of despair, she decides that she’s had enough of the privileged bubble she’s lived in—a bubble within a bubble—and that it’s time to make some changes, both in her personal life and in the world at large. At home, she embarks on a year of self-sufficiency—learning how to work the remote, how to pick up dog shit, where to find the toaster. She meets her match in an earnest, brainy psychiatrist and enters into therapy, prepared to do the heavy lifting required to look within and make sense of a childhood marked by love and loss and to figure out why people are afraid of her. She becomes politically active—finding her voice as an advocate for change, having difficult conversations, and energizing her base. In the process, she develops a healthy fixation on Special Counsel Robert Mueller and, through unflinching self-reflection and psychological excavation, unearths some glittering truths that light up the road ahead. Thrillingly honest, insightful, and deeply, darkly funny, Chelsea Handler’s memoir keeps readers laughing, even as it inspires us to look within and ask ourselves what really matters in our own lives. Praise for Life Will Be the Death of Me “You thought you knew Chelsea Handler—and she thought she knew herself—but in her new book, she discovers that true progress lies in the direction we haven’t been.”—Gloria Steinem “I always wondered what it would be like to watch Chelsea Handler in session with her therapist. Now I know.”—Ellen DeGeneres “I love this book not just because it made me laugh or because I learned that I feel the same way about certain people in politics as Chelsea does. I love this book because I feel like I finally really got to know Chelsea Handler after all these years. Thank you for sharing, Chelsea!”—Tiffany Haddish

Download or read book Anyone But You written by Chelsea M. Cameron and published by Independently Published. This book was released on 2019-03-31 with total page 224 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Things are going great for Sutton Kay, or at least they were. Her yoga studio is doing well, she's living with her best friend, and she just got two kittens named Mocha and Cappuccino. Sure, she doesn't have a girlfriend, but her life is full and busy. Then her building is sold and the new landlord turns out to be the woman putting in a gym downstairs who doesn't seem to understand the concepts "courtesy" and "don't be rude to your tenants." Sutton can't get a read on Tuesday Grímsdóttir, but she can appreciate her muscles. Seriously, Tuesday is ripped. Not that that has anything to do with anything since she's too surly to have a conversation with, and won't stop pissing Sutton off.Sutton's life gets interesting after she dares Tuesday to make it through one yoga class, and then Tuesday gives Sutton the same dare. Soon enough they're spending time working out together and when the sweat starts flowing, the sparks start flying. How is it possible to be so attracted to a person you can barely stand? But when someone from Tuesday's past shows up and Sutton sees a whole new side of Tuesday, will she change her mind about her grumpy landlord? Can she?

Download or read book Didn t Stay in Vegas written by Chelsea M Cameron and published by . This book was released on 2019-11-20 with total page 226 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Sometimes what happens in Vegas doesn't stay there. Callyn Stott wakes up from a night-out at her friend Lara's Bachelorette party in Vegas with a hangover... and a wife. She's not really sure how she and her best friend Emma got hitched, only that they did and it's completely and totally legal. Callyn is used to getting in and out of scrapes, but this one takes the cake. Further complicating matters, Emma suggest that they stay married for "financial reasons" that don't really hold water. Not wanting to argue, Callyn agrees. The situation gets even more confusing when Callyn has to move out of her apartment, and where is she going to stay? With her fake wife, and best friend, of course. It's not like anything is going to happen. Things between the two of them have always been strictly platonic and best-friendy, right? Emma hasn't been secretly in love with Callyn her whole life and has just been waiting for Callyn to notice. No, surely not. Will Callyn get her head out of her ass and see what's right in front of her, or will she live the rest of her life oblivious that the one person she's always wanted is already there?

Download or read book Style written by Chelsea M. Cameron and published by . This book was released on 2016 with total page pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Kyle Blake likes plans. So far, they & rsquo;re pretty simple: Finish her senior year of high school, head off to a good college, find a cute boyfriend, graduate, get a good job, get married, the whole heterosexual shebang. Nothing is going to stand in the way of that plan. Not even Stella Lewis. Stella Lewis also has a plan: Finish her senior year as cheer captain, go to college, finally let herself flirt with (and maybe even date) a girl for the first time and go from there. Fate has other plans for Kyle and Stella when they're paired up in their AP English class and something between them ignites. It's confusing and overwhelming and neither of them know what to do about it. One thing they do know is that their connection can't be ignored. The timing just isn't right. But is there ever a good time for falling in love?

Download or read book Even Though I Don t Miss You written by Chelsea Martin and published by . This book was released on 2013 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Poetry. Fiction. EVEN THOUGH I DON'T MISS YOU captures the essence of being part of a species that is prone to spending nights alone looking up photos of Heath Ledger's daughter and contemplating making pasta. Its seemingly arbitrary obsession with human evolution and many allusions to self-contempt make this book not only timeless and deeply moving, but one of those rare books to which you will develop a sickening dependence.

Download or read book The Best Christmas Pageant Ever written by Barbara Robinson and published by Samuel French, Inc.. This book was released on 1983 with total page 60 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The six mean Herdman kids lie, steal, smoke cigars (even the girls) and then become involved in the community Christmas pageant.

Download or read book The Secret Side of Empty written by Maria E. Andreu and published by Running Press Kids. This book was released on 2014-03-11 with total page 337 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: As a straight-A student with a budding romance and loyal best friend, M.T.'s life seems as apple-pie American as her blondish hair and pale skin. But M.T. hides two facts to the contrary: her full name of Monserrat Thalia and her status as an undocumented immigrant. With senior year of high school kicking into full swing, M.T. sees her hopes for a "normal" future unraveling. And it will take discovering a sense of trust in herself and others for M.T. to stake a claim in the life that she wants. Author Maria E. Andreu draws from her personal experience to tell a story that is timely, relevant, and universally poignant.

Download or read book Heartbroke written by Chelsea Bieker and published by Catapult. This book was released on 2023-04-04 with total page 305 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: From the acclaimed author of Godshot and “a pitch-perfect ventriloquist of extraordinary talent and ferocity” (T Kira Madden) comes a defining book of Californian stories where everyone is seeking or sabotaging love United by the stark and sprawling landscapes of California’s Central Valley, the characters of Heartbroke boil with reckless desire. A woman steals a baby from a shelter in an attempt to recoup her own lost motherhood. A phone-sex operator sees divine opportunity when a lavender-eyed cowboy walks into her life. A mother and a son selling dream catchers along a highway that leads to a toxic beach manifest two young documentary filmmakers into their realm. And two teenage girls play a dangerous online game with destiny. Heartbroke brims over with each character’s attempt to salvage grace where they can find it. Told in bright, snapping prose that reveals a world of loss and love underneath, Chelsea Bieker brilliantly illuminates a golden yet gothic world of longing and abandonment under an unrelenting California sun.

Download or read book Speaking of the Dead written by Chelsea L. Tolman and published by . This book was released on 2018-11-08 with total page 236 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In most Western and Westernized cultures, the reality of death is a subject that we avoid because it makes us uncomfortable. Even participants in religions that celebrate death as a release to a paradisiacal realm will avoid talking about or facing the death experience, unless it's through the lens of their religious beliefs. The rest of us tap dance around the subject, enjoying death-related fiction involving vampires, zombies, and serial killers, while we recoil in mind-numbing horror at the thought of being in the same room with a corpse. Chelsea Tolman is a funeral director, mortician, and embalmer with over 15 years experience. In her book, "Speaking of the Dead," she attempts to provide the balm that allows us to engage in the real world of death's circumstances and give us a peek behind the curtain at what it's like to be a professional in the death industry.This book is a collection of Chelsea's recounted stories that illustrate the unique perspective of being a professional in the death industry. She covers a wide range of emotions and circumstances from light hilarity to deep sadness and grief. She does well in not taking herself too seriously and is quick to share stories where she laughs about her own foibles and mistakes. Chelsea also takes the time to celebrate the diversity of cultures, describing in intimate detail the way some religions and nationalities treat their dead. All get equal respect, including the careful corpse wrappings of the Bha'i, the pronated wailing women of the Far East, the colorful dancers of Africa, suicides, and drug overdoses. She expertly weaves these stories of culture in with the experience of grief and loss to reveal how we all share the basic human essence of missing our dead.Finally, "Speaking of the Dead" serves as Chelsea's heartfelt attempt to show to the world that the experience of caring for one's dead is one that should be embraced and cherished, rather than avoided and feared as it largely is at present. She details the loving care she gives to the bodies and how she encourages the loved ones to participate and catalyze their own progress at closure. The tenderness she shows in wrapping infants in blankets, smoothing an old man's hair, or applying a young woman's make-up invites you to step over the gap from macabre avoidance to emotional acceptance and understand that death is simply another part of the human experience that we should all embrace.

Download or read book Inexplicably Me written by Chelsea Austin Montgomery-Duban Wächter and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2022-05-03 with total page 256 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A hilariously moving and inspirational memoir of a girl with two gay dads, navigating her way through life with joy, love, gratitude, and an excellent sense of humor. As the daughter of two gay fathers in the 90s, Chelsea has always had a different outlook than some people. And yet, her message is one of universal importance – love is the most important force in the world. Through her moving and at times hilarious memoir, Chelsea reflects on how we are all much more similar than we are different. Living “two doors down from normal,” Chelsea quickly learned that society loves to put people in boxes, but these boxes do not always reflect how we feel about ourselves. Through Inexplicably Me, Chelsea works to bring people together in love and acceptance and to illustrate that, while her story may seem worlds away from others, we all strive for happiness and love. From sharing the stage with President Obama when she was only eighteen years old, to her father spending her senior year of college in federal prison camp, to her biological mother dying of cancer when she was only 56, Chelsea explores her painful and joyful experiences with the hope that readers will find inspiration to face their own challenges and embrace their own joys. Inexplicably Me is a bridge for those who fear what they don’t understand, as well as a possibility for those who have lacked love in their lives to see how they can start to access their self-worth, begin achieving their dreams, and start loving themselves again. Most of all, it is a reminder that everyone will have an opinion about who you are supposed to be, but you, and only you, get to decide exactly who it is you want to be.