Download or read book The Best Ever Book of Texans Fan Jokes written by Mark Geoffrey Young and published by CreateSpace. This book was released on 2012-01-05 with total page 106 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: If you've ever heard a Jewish, Italian, Irish, Libyan, Catholic, Mexican, Norwegian, or an Essex Girl, Newfie, Mother-in-Law, or joke aimed at a minority, this book of Texans' Fan jokes is for you. In this not-so-original book, The Best Ever Book of Texans' Fan Jokes; Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who, Mark Young takes a whole lot of tired, worn out jokes and makes them funny again. The Best Ever Book of Texans' Fan Jokes is so unoriginal, it's original. And, if you don't burst out laughing from at least one Texans' Fan joke in this book, there's something wrong with you. This book has so many Texans' Fan jokes, you won't know where to start. For example: Why do Texans' Fan s wear slip-on shoes? You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace. *** An evil genie captured a Texans' Fan and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing. The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst. The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off. The Texans' Fan brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window! *** Did you hear about the Texans' Fan who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats." *** Why do Texans' Fan s laugh three times when they hear a joke? Once when it is told, once when it is explained to them, and once when they understand it. ***

Download or read book Enemies written by Tijan and published by Entangled: Amara. This book was released on 2024-09-03 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Stone Reeves was my neighbor, and I’ve hated him since sixth grade. Gorgeous and charismatic, he became the town’s football god, while I became the town’s invisible girl. He went to a Division 1 school for football, while my father was fired by his father. His team won the National Championship, while my mother died the same day. He was a first round pick for the NFL ... ... while I made the worst decision of my life. Now I’m in Texas trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But, Stone is here. Stone is everywhere. It doesn’t matter that disaster has struck my life again. It doesn’t matter that he’s the one trying to console me. It doesn’t matter that he’s the nation’s newest football obsession. Because for me, he always has been and always will be my enemy.

Download or read book The Cowgirl s Guide to Life written by Gladiola Montana and published by Gibbs Smith. This book was released on 2019-03-05 with total page 488 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Straight talk from the lassoin’ lady—from knowing the best time to hold your tongue to using the right bait when you’re fishing for compliments. This sassy cowgirl and her sidekick cowboy partner capture the feminine perspective on life. This common-sense wisdom in humorous form is all about living and loving. Women will laugh about it—from the boardroom to the suburban book club. Gems include: “It is better to be a widower’s second wife than his first.” “If you’re fixin’ to get yourself a good stallion, don’t go lookin’ in the donkey corral.” “High steppers give bumpy rides.” “If you’ve done it, it ain’t braggin’.” “Always say ‘please’ when you tell somebody to shut up.”

Download or read book The Truth with jokes written by Al Franken and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2005-10-25 with total page 347 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The #1 New York Times bestseller by Senator Al Franken, author of Giant of the Senate Senator Al Franken’s landmark bestseller, Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them): A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, was praised as a “bitterly funny assault” (The New York Times) that rang “with the moral clarity of an angel’s trumpet” (The Associated Press). Now, this master of political humor strikes again with a powerful and provocative message for all of us. In these pages, Senator Franken reveals the alarming story of how: • Bush (barely) beat Kerry with his campaign of “fear, smear, and queers,” and then claimed a nonexistent mandate. • “Casino Jack” Abramoff, the Republicans’ nearest and dearest friend, made millions of dollars off of the unspeakable misery of the poor and the powerless. And, also, Native Americans. • The administration successfully implemented its strategy to destroy America’s credibility and goodwill around the world. Complete with new material for this paperback edition, The Truth (with jokes) is more than just entertaining, intelligent, and insightful. It is at once prescient in its analysis of right-wing mendacity and incompetence, and inspiring in its vision of a better tomorrow for all Americans (except Jack Abramoff).

Download or read book The Facts of Life written by Willie Nelson and published by Random House. This book was released on 2009-03-12 with total page 250 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: If you had to give America a voice, it’s been said more than once, that voice would be Willie Nelson’s. For more than fifty years, he’s taken the stuff of his life-the good and the bad-and made from it a body of work that has become a permanent part of our musical heritage and kept us company through the good and the bad of our own lives. Long before he became famous as a performer, Willie Nelson was known as a songwriter, keeping his young family afloat by writing songs-like “Crazy”-that other people turned into hits. So it’s fitting, and cause for celebration, that he has finally set down in his own words, a book that does justice to his great gifts as a storyteller. In The Facts of Life, Willie Nelson reflects on what has mattered to him in life and what hasn’t. He also tells some great dirty jokes. The result is a book as wise and hilarious as its author. It’s not meant to be taken seriously as an instruction manual for living-but you could do a lot worse.

Download or read book Echoes of Texas Football written by Triumph Books and published by Triumph Books. This book was released on 2006-09 with total page 157 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: With the popularity of Texas football across the country at its height, this account" "details the roots of the Longhorns' glory, their modern-day triumphs, and everything in between for the legions of Texas fans everywhere. The book goes back in time to the early years of Texas football and traces its footsteps to becoming a powerhouse on the college football scene, recounting the greatest moments in the team's lore and covering the intense rivalries with Oklahoma and Texas A&M.

Download or read book Pretty Good Joke Book written by Garrison Keillor and published by Blackstone Publishing. This book was released on 2021-08-10 with total page pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Over 2,200 Jokes from America’s favorite live radio show A treasury of hilarity from Garrison Keillor and the cast of public radio’s A Prairie Home Companion. A guy walks into a bar. Eight Canada Geese walk into a bar. A termite jumps up on the bar and asks, “Where is the bar tender?” Drum roll. The Sixth Edition of the perennially popular Pretty Good Joke Book is everything the first five were and more. More puns, one-liners, light bulb jokes, knock-knock jokes, and third-grader jokes (have you heard the one about Elvis Parsley?). More religion jokes, political jokes, lawyer jokes, blonde jokes, and jokes in questionable taste (Why did the urologist lose his license? He got in trouble with his peers). More jokes about chickens, relationships, and senior moments (the nice thing about Alzheimer’s is you can enjoy the same jokes again and again). It all started back in 1996, when A Prairie Home Companion fans laughed themselves silly during the first Joke Show. The broadcast was such a hit that it became an almost-annual gagfest. Then fans wanted to read the jokes, share them, and pass them around, and the first Pretty Good Joke Book was born. With over 200 new and updated jokes, the latest edition promises countless giggles, chortles, and guffaws anyone—fans of the radio show or not—will enjoy.

Download or read book Ten Gallon War written by John Eisenberg and published by HMH. This book was released on 2012-10-02 with total page 333 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: “It’s every bit as fascinating to read about the battles between the Cowboys and the Texans as it is to follow today’s never-ending NFL dramas.” —Mike Florio, ProFootballTalk In the 1960s, on the heels of the “Greatest Game Ever Played,” professional football began to flourish across the country—except in Texas, where college football was still the only game in town. But in an unlikely series of events, two young oil tycoons started their own professional football franchises in Dallas the very same year: the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys, and, as part of a new upstart league designed to thwart the NFL’s hold on the game, the Dallas Texans of the AFL. Almost overnight, a bitter feud was born. The team owners, Lamar Hunt and Clint Murchison, became Mad Men of the gridiron, locked in a battle for the hearts and minds of the Texas pigskin faithful. Their teams took each other to court, fought over players, undermined each other’s promotions, and rooted like hell for the other guys to fail. A true visionary, Hunt of the Texans focused on the fans, putting together a team of local legends and hiring attractive women to drive around town in red convertibles selling tickets. Meanwhile, Murchison and his Cowboys focused on the game, hiring a young star, Tom Landry, in what would be his first-ever year as a head coach, and concentrating on holding their own against the more established teams in the NFL. Ultimately, both teams won the battle, but only one got to stay in Dallas and go on to become one of sports’ most quintessential franchises—”America’s Team.” In this highly entertaining narrative, rich in colorful characters and unforgettable stunts, Eisenberg recounts the story of the birth of pro-football in Dallas—back when the game began to be part of this country’s DNA.

Download or read book The Big Rich written by Bryan Burrough and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2010-03-30 with total page 482 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: “Full of schadenfreude and speculation—and solid, timely history too.” —Kirkus Reviews “This is a portrait of capitalism as white-knuckle risk taking, yielding fruitful discoveries for the fathers, but only sterile speculation for the sons—a story that resonates with today's economic upheaval.” —Publishers Weekly “What's not to enjoy about a book full of monstrous egos, unimaginable sums of money, and the punishment of greed and shortsightedness?” —The Economist Phenomenal reviews and sales greeted the hardcover publication of The Big Rich, New York Times bestselling author Bryan Burrough's spellbinding chronicle of Texas oil. Weaving together the multigenerational sagas of the industry's four wealthiest families, Burrough brings to life the men known in their day as the Big Four: Roy Cullen, H. L. Hunt, Clint Murchison, and Sid Richardson, all swaggering Texas oil tycoons who owned sprawling ranches and mingled with presidents and Hollywood stars. Seamlessly charting their collective rise and fall, The Big Rich is a hugely entertaining account that only a writer with Burrough's abilities-and Texas upbringing-could have written.

Download or read book League of Denial written by Mark Fainaru-Wada and published by Crown. This book was released on 2014-08-26 with total page 457 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The story of how the NFL, over a period of nearly two decades, denied and sought to cover up mounting evidence of the connection between football and brain damage “League of Denial may turn out to be the most influential sports-related book of our time.”—The Boston Globe “Professional football players do not sustain frequent repetitive blows to the brain on a regular basis.” So concluded the National Football League in a December 2005 scientific paper on concussions in America’s most popular sport. That judgment, implausible even to a casual fan, also contradicted the opinion of a growing cadre of neuroscientists who worked in vain to convince the NFL that it was facing a deadly new scourge: a chronic brain disease that was driving an alarming number of players—including some of the all-time greats—to madness. In League of Denial, award-winning ESPN investigative reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Steve Fainaru tell the story of a public health crisis that emerged from the playing fields of our twenty-first-century pastime. Everyone knows that football is violent and dangerous. But what the players who built the NFL into a $10 billion industry didn’t know—and what the league sought to shield from them—is that no amount of padding could protect the human brain from the force generated by modern football, that the very essence of the game could be exposing these players to brain damage. In a fast-paced narrative that moves between the NFL trenches, America’s research labs, and the boardrooms where the NFL went to war against science, League of Denial examines how the league used its power and resources to attack independent scientists and elevate its own flawed research—a campaign with echoes of Big Tobacco’s fight to deny the connection between smoking and lung cancer. It chronicles the tragic fates of players like Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers center Mike Webster, who was so disturbed at the time of his death he fantasized about shooting NFL executives, and former San Diego Chargers great Junior Seau, whose diseased brain became the target of an unseemly scientific battle between researchers and the NFL. Based on exclusive interviews, previously undisclosed documents, and private emails, this is the story of what the NFL knew and when it knew it—questions at the heart of a crisis that threatens football, from the highest levels all the way down to Pop Warner.

Download or read book The Texan s Reward written by Jodi Thomas and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2005 with total page 356 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Always in trouble, Nell, a.k.a. "Two Bits," after being wounded in an ambush must once again turn to Texas Ranger Jacob Dalton for help, this time in finding a husband to help her protect the ranches she just inherited, and Jacob vows to prove that he is the perfect man for the job. Original.

Download or read book A Collection of Jokes and Funny Stories written by Marvin Lebman and published by Trafford Publishing. This book was released on 2004-11-24 with total page 329 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Emailed jokes and funny stories.

Download or read book Famous Texas Folklorists and Their Stories written by Jim Gramon and published by Taylor Trade Publishing. This book was released on 2000-09-01 with total page 303 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Jim Gramon, a native Texas storyteller, introduces you to some of his friends: John Henry Faulk, Cactus Pryor, Allen Damron, Mason Brewer, Mody Boatright, and Ben King Green. And he shares funny Texas stories from all over the state, from the Oil Patch to the Panhandle, from the Big Bend to the Piney Woods; big towns and small (Dallas, Houston, Austin, El Paso, Terlingua, Manchaca, Cumby, Sulfur Springs, Commerce).

Download or read book The Texas Book written by Richard A. Holland and published by University of Texas Press. This book was released on 2006-11-01 with total page 265 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Provides personality profiles, historical essays, and first-person reminiscences of the history of the University of Texas. Topics include recurring attacks on the school by politicians and regents, the institution's history of segregation and struggles to become a diverse university, the sixties' protest movements, and the Tower sniper shooting.

Download or read book The Texas Book Two written by David Dettmer and published by University of Texas Press. This book was released on 2012-12-04 with total page 310 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In every corner of the sprawling enterprise that is the University of Texas at Austin, you will find teaching, research, artistic creation, and sports achievement that are among the best in the world. Mandated by the Texas constitution to be “a university of the first class,” UT Austin strives for excellence across the curriculum, from the most traditional of liberal arts disciplines to the cutting edge of science and technology. For Texans interested in progress, whether students of the university or members of the public, there are few pleasures greater than uncovering the intellectual treasures that can be found by exploring the university’s “Forty Acres” and all that they contain. The Texas Book, edited by Richard A. Holland and published in 2006, offered the first in-depth exploration of UT’s history and traditions through a collection of profiles, histories, and reminiscences. Now The Texas Book Two continues the story, with a variety of contributors recalling particular events and personalities that have helped shape the university and the people whose lives it has touched. Twenty-one essays present personalities such as John A. Lomax, Anna Hiss, J. R. Parten, Harvey Penick, John W. Hargis, and Jorge Luis Borges; accounts of legislative battles and debates over campus architecture; histories of crown jewels such as the McDonald Observatory and Austin City Limits; and the reminiscences of Barbara Smith Conrad, Sam Hurt, and Cat Osterman, among others.

Download or read book Here and Now written by Paul Auster and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2014-03-04 with total page 258 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: “[A] civilized discourse between two cultivated and sophisticated men. . . . It’s a pleasure to be in their company.” —Michael Dirda, The Washington Post J.M. Coetzee's latest novel, The Schooldays of Jesus, is now available from Viking. Late Essays: 2006-2016 will be available January 2018. After a meeting at an Australian literary festival brought them together in 2008, novelists Paul Auster and J. M. Coetzee began exchanging letters on a regular basis with the hope they might “strike sparks off each other." Here and Now is the result: a three-year epistolary dialogue that touches on nearly every subject, from sports to fatherhood, literature to film, philosophy to politics, from the financial crisis to art, death, eroticism, marriage, friendship, and love. Their high-spirited and luminous correspondence offers an intimate and often amusing portrait of these two men as they explore the complexities of the here and now and reveal their pleasure in each other’s friendship on every page.

Download or read book Motel of the Mysteries written by David Macaulay and published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. This book was released on 1979-10-11 with total page 97 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: It is the year 4022; all of the ancient country of Usa has been buried under many feet of detritus from a catastrophe that occurred back in 1985. Imagine, then, the excitement that Howard Carson, an amateur archeologist at best, experienced when in crossing the perimeter of an abandoned excavation site he felt the ground give way beneath him and found himself at the bottom of a shaft, which, judging from the DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging from an archaic doorknob, was clearly the entrance to a still-sealed burial chamber. Carson's incredible discoveries, including the remains of two bodies, one of then on a ceremonial bed facing an altar that appeared to be a means of communicating with the Gods and the other lying in a porcelain sarcophagus in the Inner Chamber, permitted him to piece together the whole fabric of that extraordinary civilization.