Download or read book Don t Lick the Minivan written by Leanne Shirtliffe and published by Skyhorse. This book was released on 2015-11-03 with total page 304 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia’s sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia. In Don’t Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as: The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied. The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan’s paint with rocks. The funeral she officiated for “Stripper Barbie.” The horror of glitter. And much more! Shirtliffe eventually realizes that even if she can’t teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she’s a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins’ therapy fund. And possibly her own. Shirtliffe’s memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.
Download or read book You Are a Dog written by Terry Bain and published by Crown. This book was released on 2010-04-14 with total page 160 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A hilarious, captivating commentary that gives us--finally--a true dog’s-eye view of the world. • The Sofa: “The sofa is Position One. The sofa makes you feel as if you are with your people even when your people are gone.” • The Toilet: “The advantage of drinking from the toilet is that the water is always fresh.” • The Baby: “Often known as She Who Randomly Flings Food from the Table, the baby has the most flavorful, ever-changing face of all your people.” “After reading You Are a Dog, you will start thinking like a dog.” --Bash Dibra, celebrity pet trainer and author of DogSpeak “You Are a Dog should be the talk of every dog run in the U.S. With humor, and more bite than one might expect, Terry Bain helps us to see the world through the eyes of our dogs, and to look at their lives in fresh and insightful ways.” --Jon Katz, author of A Dog Year, The New Work of Dogs, and The Dogs of Bedlam Farm “Terry Bain has cracked the canine code to demystify those charming, endearing, and occasionally bizarre habits our beloved dogs exhibit. You Are a Dog is equal parts witty and warm, sweet and sympathetic--read this and be destined to meet your dog at a richer, deeper level.”--Dr. Marty Becker, veterinary contributor for Good Morning America, author of The Healing Power of Pets
Download or read book Motherhood Smotherhood written by JJ Keith and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2014-10-14 with total page 176 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: What’s the first thing a woman does when she thinks she might be pregnant? She Googles. And it goes downhill from there. While the internet is full of calming and cheerily supportive articles, it’s also littered with hyper-judgmental message boards and heaps of contradictory and scolding information. Babies on Boards takes parents through the trenches of new parenting, warning readers of the pleasures and perils of mommy blogs, new parent groups, self-described “lactivists,” sleep fascists, incessant trend pieces on working versus non-working mothers, and the place where free time and self-esteem goes to die: Pinterest (back away from the hand-made flower headbands for baby!). JJ Keith interweaves discussions of what “it takes a village” really means (hint: a lot of unwanted advice from elderly strangers who may have grown up in actual villages) and a take-down of the rising “make your own baby food” movement (just mush a banana with a fork!) with laugh-out-loud observations about the many mistakes she made as a frantic new mother with too much access to high speed internet and a lot of questions. Keith cuts to the truth—whether it’s about “perfect” births, parenting gurus, the growing tide of vaccine rejecters, the joy of blanketing Facebook with baby pics, or germophobia—to move conversations about parenting away from experts espousing blanket truths to amateurs relishing in what a big, messy pile of delight and trauma having a baby is. It turns out those little buggers are more durable and fun than we think they are!
Download or read book Wake Up and Smell the Shit written by Kirsten Koza and published by Travelers' Tales. This book was released on 2015-10-19 with total page 271 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Stand back! The tales in this raunchy round-the-world romp might get you dirty. We've all had unspeakable experiences while traveling that we're ashamed to admit, but these often become our best stories in the retelling. The writers in this collection cast inhibition aside and reveal their weirdest and worst moments and how they made the best of them. And memorable moments in exotic destinations come in all shapes and sizes: insects as big as Pam Anderson’s left tit, regrettable sex, stink-eyed officials, horrible healers, Lady Gaga’s shoes and Madonna’s special meal, trigger-happy militants, and peeping Tom rock stars. Adventure vicariously as: Spud Hilton (not Monty Python) finds the Holy Grail by accident. Meghan Ward squats, and then the toilet grunts back, in Goa. Kasha Rigby proved how tough she is on National Geographic’s Ultimate Survival Alaska, but is she a match for a 90-year-old bone breaker in Guatemala? Namibians stereotype Chinese men as Bruce Lee—Gerald Yeung wonders if attacking baboons will do the same. Keph Senett (hoping not to follow in the footsteps of Pussy Riot) braves bombs, police and a Soviet-era sofa bed to play soccer at the LGBT games in Putin’s Russia. Jabba-the-Turd versus Shannon Bradford in an epic showdown in Argentina. And many more….
Download or read book I Totally Meant to Do That written by Jane Borden and published by Crown. This book was released on 2011-03-01 with total page 242 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Jane Borden is a hybrid too horrifying to exist: a hipster-debutante. She was reared in a propert Southern home in Greensboro, North Carolina, sent to boarding school in Virginia, and then went on to join a sorority in Chapel Hill. She next moved to New York and discovered that none of this grooming meant a lick to anyone. In fact, she hid her upbringing for many years--it was easier than explaining what a debutante "does" (the short answer: not much). Anyone who has moved away from home or lived in (or dreamed of living in) New York will appreciate the hilarity of Jane's musings on the intersections of and altercations between Southern hospitality and Gotham cool.
Download or read book Mommyfesto written by Leanne Shirtliffe and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2014-11-11 with total page 66 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: The goal of parenting is to train your children to have slightly better manners than a dog. If you’ve achieved that by the end of day (or even if you’ve failed majestically trying), it is important to celebrate the little things. Like bedtime. And screw-top wine. And with Mommyfesto, by award-winning humor blogger Leanne Shirtliffe, you’ll learn the nitty-gritty about what it means to be a real parent. Without resorting to stereotypical “poo and pee jokes,” Shirtliffe finds humor in the insanity of raising children and celebrates using how-to-parent-like-an-expert books as paperweights for your child’s art collection in the recycling bin. Mommyfesto contains more than 150 realistic (and downright humorous) truths about parenting, such as: A Band-Aid and a kiss solve most daily crises. So does talking like a pirate. Expectations of child rearing should be thrown out the window. It’s better than throwing out your child. If you can survive parented piano lessons, you can survive a zombie apocalypse. And much more! Mommyfesto offers parents the opportunity to laugh at the absurdity of childrearing and to realize there is no right way to do it. Blank pages in the back of the book encourage moms (and dads, too!) to add their beliefs—whether bizarre, funny, or even serious—to the book, making this a go-to guide for generations of crazed parents. Leanne's blog, IronicMom.com, was recently declared the Best Humour Blog by the Canadian Weblog Awards, a juried competition. IronicMom.com garners 8,000–13,000 hits per month and has been featured on high-traffic sites such as The Christian Science Monitor, ProBlogger, Wordpress’ home page, Canadian Family, CBC, the Calgary Herald, and Sweet Mama. IronicMom.com was recognized as one of the top five new blogs by the Canadian Weblog Awards (2010) and as the top parenting blog in Calgary (a city of over 1 million people) and as the Most Laugh–Out–Loud Funny blog by Sweet Mama, a popular Canadian website.
Download or read book Sloth to the Rescue written by Leanne Shirtliffe and published by Running Press Kids. This book was released on 2019-10-15 with total page 32 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Sloth and friends teach kids how to combat first-day-of-school shyness in this humorous and heartfelt picture book. At the Rainforest Rescue Center, Sloth loves when Patti comes to visit. But when Patti forgets her class report, it's up to Sloth, with the help of his other (faster) rain-forest friends, to return Patti's notebook to her-at school! Will they be able to find her among all the other kids in a new environment? The first day of school can be scary-especially if you forget your summer assignment-but in Sloth to the Rescue, Sloth, Peccary, Boa, Capuchin, and Ocelot overcome their fears and realize that what makes them unique is what helps them fit right in!
Download or read book Kids Are Turds written by Jenny Schoberl and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2016-04-05 with total page 206 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: When do you know for sure that you’ve become a parent? For Jenny Schoberl, it wasn’t when a human fell out of her lady parts or the first time her baby said “Mama.” It was when she found herself, a grown woman, hiding in the bathroom to eat a candy bar, just so she didn’t have to share. Parenthood changes people’s lives in horrifying and inevitable ways. No matter how hard you resist, you soon find yourself being that parent far too often to deny it. It won’t be long before mom jeans and minivans are calling your name. Discussing bowel movements over dinner? Guilty. Peeing with an audience? Check. Grocery shopping alone? Sounds like a tropical vacation! Watching cartoons hours after the kids have gone to bed? Now your only hobby! What do you do when motherhood turns you into someone you hardly recognize? When you open your mouth and, holy hell, your mother comes out? Kids Are Turds proves that you don’t need to be Super-Mom to be a “good” mom (whatever that is), but you absolutely do need a sense of humor to get through the hard days. Either that, or you can give in, yank up your mom jeans, and rock a mile-long camel toe. So for the love of retinas everywhere, be strong!
Download or read book Propose Your Book written by Patricia Fry and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2015-08-25 with total page 288 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Authors are the CEOs of their books, and their book proposals are their business plans. Most agents and publishers require a proposal before ever setting eyes on a manuscript, and it is a crucial element in getting published. Writing a proposal can also help an author to write the right book for the right audience, and to more successfully pitch a book to the right agent or publisher. Propose Your Book offers a clear understanding of the book proposal process in today’s fiercely competitive publishing climate. It includes: The most up-to-date concepts in writing a book proposal Insider tips from the agents and publishers Examples of actual proposals from publishers’ files Covering proposals for nonfiction, fiction, and children’s books, Patricia Fry provides a hands-on approach from an experienced writer’s perspective. Propose Your Book, enriched with innovative and tried-and-true strategies, is a complete guide to perfecting contemporary proposals that will sell writers’ books. Allworth Press, an imprint of Skyhorse Publishing, publishes a broad range of books on the visual and performing arts, with emphasis on the business of art. Our titles cover subjects such as graphic design, theater, branding, fine art, photography, interior design, writing, acting, film, how to start careers, business and legal forms, business practices, and more. While we don't aspire to publish a New York Times bestseller or a national bestseller, we are deeply committed to quality books that help creative professionals succeed and thrive. We often publish in areas overlooked by other publishers and welcome the author whose expertise can help our audience of readers.
Download or read book Tales from the Crib written by DeeDee Filiatreault and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2016-11-01 with total page 208 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Tales from the Crib will make all parental units feel better about themselves—no vegetables required. Let’s be honest. Nobody wants to sit next to that chipper mom at playgroup who knows everything. Please. You want to plop down by the mom who’s just as clueless and cranky as you are and have a good, hearty, conspiratorial laugh together. Because that mom gets it. That mom makes you feel better. That mom isn’t afraid to admit that chicken nuggets are one of her household’s major food groups (though she is fraught with guilt over it). That mom is just like you. That mom is DeeDee Filiatreault—a regular housewife with fairly normal kids (if there is such a thing). But unlike you, she writes all her ridiculous family stuff down (for her newspaper column and blog) with wit, snark, heart, faith, and far fewer swear words than she’s probably thinking. Her writings have yet to appear in the New Yorker or HuffPo, she doesn’t go on morning shows to dole out parenting advice (mainly because she doesn’t really have any), and she doesn’t have a weird, new hook for a “mom-oir”—like how she survived a year of family dumpster-diving or co-parenting her children with wolves. She doesn’t have eighteen kids either, just two. And oh yeah, only one husband (as required by state law). This collection of DeeDee’s favorite columns and writings spans her first near-decade in the mom business. Reading it is like plunking down next to that funny mom at playgroup. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll feel less lonely in this thing. And you may even feel a little superior. (That alone might be worth the price tag.) Just come and sit down next to her.
Download or read book Don t Lick the Flagpole written by David Banman and published by . This book was released on 2015-06 with total page pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt:
Download or read book Not After Everything written by Michelle Levy and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2015-08-04 with total page 254 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Fans of Eleanor and Park, The Spectacular Now, Willow, and Perfectly Good White Boy won't be able to put down this gritty but hopeful love story about two struggling teens. Tyler has a football scholarship to Stanford, a hot girlfriend, and a reliable army of friends to party with. Then his mom kills herself. And Tyler lets it all go. Now he needs to dodge what his dad is offering (verbal tirades and abuse) and earn what his dad isn’t (money): He needs a job. It’s there that he reunites with Jordyn, his childhood best friend, and now the token goth girl at school. Jordyn brings Tyler an unexpected peace and, finally, love. But with his family in shambles, he can’t risk bringing Jordyn too deeply into his life. So when violence rocks Tyler’s world again, will it be Jordyn who shows him the way to a hopeful future? Or after everything, will Tyler have to find it in himself? This tough, realistic page-turner reveals a boy's point of view on loss and love—perfect for fans of Rainbow Rowell, Tim Tharp, Julia Hoban, Carrie Mesrobian, and Mindi Scott.
Download or read book Moms Who Drink and Swear written by Nicole Knepper and published by Penguin. This book was released on 2013-04-02 with total page 337 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: If you feel like your kids are killing you, you’ve come to the right place. This irreverant, hilarious guide to the trials of motherhood makes the perfect gift for mom—or any woman with a huge heart and a mouth that sometimes needs washing out with soap. Attention all potty-mouthed, cheap-wine-drinking mothers: Prepare to meet your match. Any bad thought you’ve had about your kids, Nicole Knepper has had worse. Much worse. It’s not that she doesn’t love her kids. It’s that she understands what a mind-f*?% it can be to try to civilize those wild little beasts. Based on her hugely popular Facebook page, “Moms Who Drink and Swear,” this book reveals why family dinners are like herpes, how to avoid smashing toys that are being fought over, and the joy of hearing that your son has murdered his imaginary friend. As Nicole rants and raves about caring for children (without crushing their souls), family togetherness (without too many tears), the saving grace of girlfriends (and vodka), and love and marriage (and all the baggage that goes with them), she gets to the heart of what every exasperated mom is thinking, just much funnier.
Download or read book Social Intercourse written by Greg Howard and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2018-06-05 with total page 320 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: “A funny and satisfying love story [that] challenges simplistic preconceptions.” —Publishers Weekly Beckett Gaines, a gay teen living in South Carolina, has his world turned upside-down by a jock in this laugh-out-loud novel that’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda meets The Parent Trap. Beck: The Golden Girls-loving, out-and-proud choir nerd growing up in the “ass-crack of the Bible belt.” Jax: The Golden Boy, star quarterback with a slick veneer facing uncomfortable truths about himself and his past. When Beck’s emotionally fragile dad starts dating the recently single (and supposedly lesbian) mom of former bully Jaxon Parker, Beck is not having it. Jax isn’t happy about the situation either, holding out hope that his moms will reunite and restore the only stable home he’s ever known. Putting aside past differences, the boys plot to derail the budding romance between their parents at their conservative hometown’s first-ever Rainbow Prom. Hearts will be broken, new romance will bloom, but nothing will go down the way Beck and Jax have planned. In his hilarious and provocative debut, Greg Howard examines the challenges of growing up different in a small southern town through the lens of colorful and unforgettable characters who stay with you long after the last drop of sweet tea.
Download or read book The Puppy Diaries written by Jill Abramson and published by Macmillan. This book was released on 2011-10-11 with total page 255 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: An instructive and marvelously entertaining chronicle of a puppy's first year, by the executive editor of The New York Times One sparkling summer day, Jill Abramson brought home a nine-week-old golden retriever named Scout. Over the following year, as she and her husband raised their adorable new puppy, Abramson wrote a hugely popular column for The New York Times's website about the joys and challenges of training this rambunctious addition to their family. Dog-lovers from across the country inundated her with e-mails and letters, and the photos they sent in of their own dogs became the most visited photo album on the Times's site in 2009. Now Abramson has gone far beyond the material in her column and written a detailed and deeply personal account of Scout's first year. Part memoir, part manual, part investigative report, The Puppy Diaries continues Abramson's intrepid reporting on all things canine. Along the way, she weighs in on such issues as breeders or shelters, adoption or rescue, raw diet or vegan, pack-leader gurus like Cesar Millan or positive-reinforcement advocates like Karen Pryor. What should you expect when a new puppy enters your life? With utterly winning stories and a wealth of practical information, The Puppy Diaries provides an essential road map for navigating the first year of your dog's life.
Download or read book No Wonder My Parents Drank written by Jay Mohr and published by Simon & Schuster. This book was released on 2011-05-03 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAIN From Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS’s hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent. No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr’s humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog’s rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game. Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him—like why it’s fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate. Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.
Download or read book How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen written by Joanna Faber and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2017-01-10 with total page 448 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: "New stories & strategies based on ... 'How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk'"--Cover.
