Download or read book Brain Droppings written by George Carlin and published by Hachette Books. This book was released on 2023-10-10 with total page 280 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Sometimes, a little brain damage can help. A book of original humor pieces by beloved comic George Carlin. Filled with thoughts, musings, questions, lists, beliefs, curiosities, monologues, assertions, assumptions, and other verbal ordeals, Brain Droppings is infectiously funny. Also included are two timeless monologues, "A Place for Your Stuff" and "Baseball-Football." Readers will get an inside look into Carlin's mind, and they won't be disappointed by what they find: I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps. What year did Jesus Christ think it was? A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. Have you ever noticed the lawyer is always smiling more than the client? I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. If you ever have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? Carlin demolishes everyday values and yet leaves you laughing out loud.

Download or read book The Best of Brain Droppings written by George Carlin and published by Peter Pauper Press, Inc.. This book was released on 2007-06 with total page 92 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: With his signature dark and daring humor drawn from everyday life, the world at large, and the vagaries of the English language, George Carlin offers his creative finest in The Best of Braindroppings. From the random braindropping ("When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.") to favorite oxymorons ("holy war," for one), and from questions to ponder ("Why are there no B batteries?" for instance) to his classic monologue comparing baseball and football, this little book packs in a lot of laughs.

Download or read book Napalm Silly Putty written by George Carlin and published by Hachette UK. This book was released on 2001-07-01 with total page 272 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A hilarious new collection of razor-sharp observations from the New York Times bestselling author of Brain Droppings. Few comics make the transition from stage to page as smoothly or successfully as George Carlin. Brain Droppings spent a total of 40 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, and this new one is certain to tickle even more ribs (and rattle a few more cages) with its characteristically ironic take on life's annoying universal truths. In Napalm & Silly Putty, Carlin doesn't steer clear of the tough issues, preferring instead to look life boldly in the eye to pose the questions few dare to ask: How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on TV that it's a spy satellite? Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people cook that stuff? In the expression "topsy-turvy," what exactly is meant by "turvy"? And he makes some startling observations, including: Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. Guys don't seem to be called "Lefty" anymore. Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. Carlin also waxes wickedly philosophical on all sorts of subjects, including: KIDS--They're not all cute. In fact, if you look at them closely, some of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too good either. DEATH ROW--If you're condemned to die they have to give you one last meal of your own request. What is that all about? A group of people plan to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like? Add to the mix "The Ten Most Embarrassing Songs of All Time," "The 20th Century Hostility Scoreboard," and "People I Can Do Without," and you have an irresistibly insouciant assortment of musings, questions, assertions, and assumptions guaranteed to please the millions of fans waiting for the next Carlin collection--and the millions more waiting to discover this comic genius.

Download or read book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops written by George Carlin and published by Hachette Books. This book was released on 2004-10-01 with total page 309 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: On the heels of George Carlin's #1 New York Times bestseller Napalm & Silly Putty comes When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? -- infused with Carlin's trademark irreverent humor and biting cultural observations. Here we go again . . . George Carlin's hilarious When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? offers his cutting-edge opinions and observational humor on everything from evasive euphemistic language to politicians to the media to dead people. Nothing and no one is safe! Despite the current climate of political correctness, Carlin is not afraid to take on controversial topics: Carlin on the media: The media comprises equal parts business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business. Nice combination. Enough bull for Texas to open a chain of branch offices. Carlin on the battle of the sexes: Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Carlin on hygiene: When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been? Carlin on evasive language: Just to demonstrate how far using euphemisms in language has gone, some psychologists are now actually referring to ugly people as those with "severe appearance deficits." Hey, Doctor. How's that for "denial"? Carlin on politics: No self-respecting politician would ever admit to working in the government. They prefer to think of themselves "serving the nation." To help visualize the service they provide the country, you may wish to picture the things that take place on a stud farm. The thinking person's comic who uses words as weapons, Carlin puts voice to issues that capture the modern imagination. For instance, why are there Ten Commandments? Are UFOs real? What will the future really be like? This brand-new collection tackles all that and more. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Carlin's razor-sharp observations demolish everyday values and leave you laughing out loud--delivering exactly what his countless fans have been waiting for.

Download or read book Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help written by George Carlin and published by . This book was released on 1984 with total page 33 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt:

Download or read book Who Gives a Poop written by Heather L. Montgomery and published by Bloomsbury Publishing USA. This book was released on 2020-10-13 with total page 193 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Follow scientist Heather L. Montgomery into science labs, forests, hospitals, and landfills, as she asks: Who uses poo? Poop is disgusting, but it's also packed with potential. One scientist spent months training a dog to track dung to better understand elephant birthing patterns. Another discovered that mastodon poop years ago is the reason we enjoy pumpkin pie today. And every week, some folks deliver their own poop to medical facilities, where it is swirled, separated, and shipped off to a hospital to be transplanted into another human. There's even a train full of human poop sludge that's stuck without a home in Alabama! This irreverent and engaging narrative nonfiction book shows that poop isn't just waste-and that dealing with it responsibly is our duty.

Download or read book Three Times Carlin written by George Carlin and published by Hyperion. This book was released on 2011-05-17 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A perfectly gift-able, perfectly cynical, slipcased omnibus of George Carlin's trademark irreverence -- including bonus never-before-published material For four decades, George Carlin has been one of America's favorite comics, known as much for his willingness to take on taboo subjects as for his absurdist wordplay. As an author, he has proved equally popular: With combined sales of more than two million copies, Carlin's three books of razor-sharp and hilarious observations have topped bestseller lists nationwide. Now, just in time for the holidays, Hyperion proudly collects all three volumes -- When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops, Napalm and Silly Putty, and Brain Droppings - into one hilarious omnibus, a slipcased edition that also includes new material.

Download or read book Etiquette Espionage written by Gail Carriger and published by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers. This book was released on 2013-02-05 with total page 320 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: This young adult steampunk series debut set in the same world as the New York Times bestselling Parasol Protectorate is filled with all the saucy adventure and droll humor Gail Carriger's legions of fans have come to adore. Fourteen-year-old Sophronia is a great trial to her poor mother. Sophronia is more interested in dismantling clocks and climbing trees than proper manners--and the family can only hope that company never sees her atrocious curtsy. Mrs. Temminnick is desperate for her daughter to become a proper lady. So she enrolls Sophronia in Mademoiselle Geraldine's Finishing Academy for Young Ladies of Quality. But Sophronia soon realizes the school is not quite what her mother might have hoped. At Mademoiselle Geraldine's, young ladies learn to finish...everything. Certainly, they learn the fine arts of dance, dress, and etiquette, but they also learn to deal out death, diversion, and espionage--in the politest possible ways, of course. Sophronia and her friends are in for a rousing first year's education.

Download or read book A Modern Man written by George Carlin and published by Hachette UK. This book was released on 2021-11-02 with total page 336 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A new collection of greatest hits from one of the greatest comedians of our time, George Carlin, now the subject of the HBO documentary George Carlin’s American Dream, directed by Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio George Carlin was: “a true, true artist” (Chris Rock)…”the master” (Jon Stewart)…“one of the Mount Rushmore guys in our profession” (Jerry Seinfeld)…“the comedian’s comedian” (Jay Leno)…“an icon for comedy” (Margaret Cho)…”a deep thinker and a very, very funny man” (Lily Tomlin)…“one of my heroes” (Stephen Colbert)…“brilliant” (Joan Rivers)… You can’t talk about comedy legends without talking George Carlin. Named the greatest standup of all time by XM Radio’s “All Time Comedy Greats” (and #2 by both Comedy Central and Rolling Stone), Carlin garnered multiple gold records, 4 Grammys, 6 Emmy nominations, and the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. He was the first host of SNL, appeared on the Tonight Show some 130 times, and acted in beloved films like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Dogma. Dubbed “the dean of counterculture comedians,” there was no one like George Carlin. Featuring a foreword by Lewis Black and an introduction by Carlin's longtime best friend and manager, A Modern Man is a perfect introduction for new fans and a must-have for longtime fans, showcasing the longevity, range, and—above all—hilarity of the master. Filled with thoughts, musings, questions, lists, beliefs, curiosities, monologues, assertions, assumptions, and other delicious verbal ordeals, it is drop-dead funny tour through Carlin’s singular mind. More than ten years after his death, Carlin’s characteristically ironic takes on life's annoying universal truths remain thoughtful, fearless, and somehow more relevant than ever.

Download or read book The Brain Eaters written by Gary Brandner and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2012-09-01 with total page 385 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In Milwaukee, a regular at Vic’s Tavern suddenly smashes a beer bottle and carves up the other customers. In Manhattan, an easygoing cabdriver goes berserk and hurls his cab into a crowd of pedestrians. In Seattle, a young bride slashes her husband in a busy restaurant, then flings herself through a plate-glass window. At first, these shocking incidents appear unrelated. Then a disturbing pattern emerges - the agonizing headaches, the violent tantrums, the faces erupting with sickening lesions, then the final, fatal outburst. The epidemic spreads. The nation panics. The Brain Eaters devour America. Their hunger can never be satisfied.

Download or read book A Carlin Home Companion written by Kelly Carlin and published by Macmillan + ORM. This book was released on 2015-09-15 with total page 381 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: From the daughter of the iconoclastic comedic performer, Kelly Carlin’s memoir A Carlin Home Companion: Growing Up with George “is written in the DNA of a Carlin, honest, biting, savage, funny, sad, dark, and profound...Hold on; like George Carlin, this book gives you a hell of a ride” (New York Times bestselling author and multi-award-winning comedian Lewis Black). Truly the voice of a generation, George Carlin gave the world some of the most hysterical and iconic comedy routines of the last fifty years. From the “Seven Dirty Words” and “A Place for My Stuff”, to “Religion is Bullshit” and “The American Dream”, he perfected the art of making audiences double over with laughter while simultaneously making people wake up to the realities (and insanities) of life in the twentieth century. Few people glimpsed the inner life of this beloved comedian, but his only child, Kelly, was there to see it all. Born at the very beginning of his decades-long career in comedy, she slid around the “old Dodge Dart,” as he and wife Brenda drove around the country to “hell gigs.” She witnessed his transformation in the ’70s, as he fought back against—and talked back to—the establishment; she even talked him down from a really bad acid trip a time or two (“Kelly, the sun has exploded and we have eight, no-seven and a half minutes to live!”). Kelly not only watched her father constantly reinvent himself and his comedy, but also had a front row seat to the roller coaster turmoil of her family’s inner life—alcoholism, cocaine addiction, life-threatening health scares, and a crushing debt to the IRS. But having been the only “adult” in her family prepared her little for the task of her own adulthood. All the while, Kelly sought to define her own voice as she separated from the shadow of her father’s genius. With rich humor and deep insight, Kelly Carlin pulls back the curtain on what it was like to grow up as the daughter of one of the most recognizable comedians of our time, and become a woman in her own right. This vivid, hilarious, heartbreaking story is at once singular and universal—it is a contemplation of what it takes to move beyond the legacy of childhood, and forge a life of your own.

Download or read book What Do They Do with All That Poo written by Jane Kurtz and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2018-06-19 with total page 40 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Find out what happens to all of the poo at the zoo in this funny and factual picture book! There are so many different kinds of animals at the zoo, and they each make lots and lots (and sometimes LOTS!) of poo. So what do zoos do with all of that poo? This zany, fact-filled romp explores zoo poo, from cube-shaped wombat poo to white hyena scat, and all of the places it ends up, including in science labs and elephant-poo paper—even backyard gardens!

Download or read book The George Carlin Letters written by Sally Wade and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2011-11-01 with total page 308 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A unique illustrated memoir by Sally Wade, the love of George Carlin’s life for ten years, THE GEORGE CARLIN LETTERS: THE PERMANENT COURTSHIP OF SALLY WADE is a collection of never-before-seen writings and artwork by the late great comedian (representing at least 1/3 of the text in the book), woven into Wade’s beautifully told chronicle of the last ten years of their life together. The book provides a rare glimpse into the man behind the legend. George Carlin wrote to Sally daily—notes, postcard, letters…he even started fights on paper; the title is taken from his very last note, which Sally found propped up on her computer upon returning from the hospital the day he died. One of the greatest love stories ever told…hilariously, until the release of this book, no one but Sally has ever seen this side of George Carlin. And everyone is guaranteed to fall in love with both of them.

Download or read book Ghost Hunters Adventure Club and the Secret of the Grande Chateau written by Dr. Cecil H.H. Mills and published by Permuted Press. This book was released on 2020-03-10 with total page 179 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Listen up, kid. My name is Dr. Cecil H.H. Mills. I’m the author of this book and many other ones that you might not have heard of. This book is about two idiot wannabe detective-types. Their names are J.J. and Valentine Watts, but I’m not sure if they’re actually brothers or not. They make a friend; her name is Trudi de la Rosa. She’s a wannabe detective-type too, but honestly, she’s less of an idiot than the brothers. The three of them team up to solve a mystery that takes place in a snowy chateau up in the mountains. It gets more complicated around chapter 11, but now you’ve got the main gist of it. The story’s full of intrigue and adventure and puzzles and light violence and some swear words. It’s really entertaining. Just buy the book and start reading. You’ll understand everything about the Ghost Hunters Adventure Club very soon.

Download or read book Queer Times Black Futures written by Kara Keeling and published by NYU Press. This book was released on 2019-04-16 with total page 289 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A serious intellectual engagement with Afrofuturism and the philosophical questions of space and time Queer Times, Black Futures considers the promises and pitfalls of imagination, technology, futurity, and liberation as they have persisted in and through racial capitalism. Kara Keeling explores how the speculative fictions of cinema, music, and literature that center black existence provide scenarios wherein we might imagine alternative worlds, queer and otherwise. In doing so, Keeling offers a sustained meditation on contemporary investments in futurity, speculation, and technology, paying particular attention to their significance to queer and black freedom. Keeling reads selected works, such as Sun Ra’s 1972 film Space is the Place and and the 2005 film The Aggressives, to juxtapose the Afrofuturist tradition of speculative imagination with the similar “speculations” of corporate and financial institutions. In connecting a queer, cinematic reordering of time with the new possibilities technology offers, Keeling thinks with and through a vibrant conception of the imagination as a gateway to queer times and black futures, and the previously unimagined spaces that they can conjure.

Download or read book Still Foolin Em written by Billy Crystal and published by Henry Holt and Company. This book was released on 2013-09-10 with total page 288 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Hilarious and heartfelt observations on aging from one of America's favorite comedians as he turns 65, and a look back at a remarkable career in this New York Times bestseller. Billy Crystal is turning 65, and he's not happy about it. With his trademark wit and heart, he outlines the absurdities and challenges that come with growing old, from insomnia to memory loss to leaving dinners with half your meal on your shirt. In humorous chapters like "Buying the Plot" and "Nodding Off," Crystal not only catalogues his physical gripes, but offers a road map to his 77 million fellow baby boomers who are arriving at this milestone age with him. He also looks back at the most powerful and memorable moments of his long and storied life, from entertaining his relatives as a kid in Long Beach, Long Island, his years doing stand-up in the Village, up through his legendary stint at Saturday Night Live, When Harry Met Sally, and his long run as host of the Academy Awards. Readers get a front-row seat to his one-day career with the New York Yankees (he was the first player to ever "test positive for Maalox"), his love affair with Sophia Loren, and his enduring friendships with several of his idols, including Mickey Mantle and Muhammad Ali. He lends a light touch to more serious topics like religion ("the aging friends I know have turned to the Holy Trinity: Advil, bourbon, and Prozac"), grandparenting, and, of course, dentistry. As wise and poignant as they are funny, Crystal's reflections are an unforgettable look at an extraordinary life well lived.

Download or read book A Fraction of the Whole written by Steve Toltz and published by Random House. This book was released on 2008-02-12 with total page 546 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Meet the Deans “The fact is, the whole of Australia despises my father more than any other man, just as they adore my uncle more than any other man. I might as well set the story straight about both of them . . .” Heroes or Criminals? Crackpots or Visionaries? Families or Enemies? “. . . Anyway, you know how it is. Every family has a story like this one.” Most of his life, Jasper Dean couldn’t decide whether to pity, hate, love, or murder his certifiably paranoid father, Martin, a man who overanalyzed anything and everything and imparted his self-garnered wisdom to his only son. But now that Martin is dead, Jasper can fully reflect on the crackpot who raised him in intellectual captivity, and what he realizes is that, for all its lunacy, theirs was a grand adventure. As he recollects the events that led to his father’s demise, Jasper recounts a boyhood of outrageous schemes and shocking discoveries—about his infamous outlaw uncle Terry, his mysteriously absent European mother, and Martin’s constant losing battle to make a lasting mark on the world he so disdains. It’s a story that takes them from the Australian bush to the cafes of bohemian Paris, from the Thai jungle to strip clubs, asylums, labyrinths, and criminal lairs, and from the highs of first love to the lows of failed ambition. The result is a rollicking rollercoaster ride from obscurity to infamy, and the moving, memorable story of a father and son whose spiritual symmetry transcends all their many shortcomings. A Fraction of the Whole is an uproarious indictment of the modern world and its mores and the epic debut of the blisteringly funny and talented Steve Toltz.